Posted by : Anil Malathu/ 12-2-09

The True Value of Friendship

“A friend is one who comes in when the world goes out”

This is a saying in which we come to know the true value of friendship. We have contact with many people but among these people we choose some of them as our true and real friends. They are the ones who are truly present in our lives, the ones we share our experience in life and deepest thoughts with. Then there are the others who are important and have place in our life but in a different way. Friends are the people we love an care about. We share our thoughts, feelings, hopes, dreams, sorrows and most of all we like to share our happiness. Our friends fill our lives with joy. When our friends are hurt, we are there to comfort them and they do the same with us. Friends are people we commit to, who we know will be there for us. Without friends we are lonely and incomplete. True friends are hard to come by an it takes a lot of time to be a true friend and have a friend. They are like the angel who help, guide us through life.

Though friendship is very important to us, there must be a balance in the relationships. As is the case with love relationships, rarely are friendships balanced in an everyday life. Typically one person will do more, give more, or make sacrifices to keep the friendship going on. Sometimes we let a friend to make all of the decisions about what to do, where to go, or what to see.

Anil Malathu
12-1-09
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Give yourself Empowering Paradigms

All of us live by our values and beliefs. They form the basis for everything and anything that we do in life. But, often it is our beliefs that limit us and hold us back from achieving what we could otherwise achieve. Somewhere and sometime in life, we gradually and unwittingly become slaves of our beliefs. We become blind to anything beyond the belief. This limits our potential. We need to break away from these limiting beliefs and turn them around to empowering paradigms.

Here’s a situation you can relate with.

You wish to go on a morning jog and get into shape. But, your morning household chores do not allow you the luxury of a half hour jog. So you have simply let it pass. What you do have as company is a moan and a groan about your bad luck and your pitiful state.

Now’s the time to examine your paradigm. Are you working with a restricting paradigm? Is there anything that limits you in this situation? Yes, there is. Its is the ‘half hour’ time zone!

Who says you need half hour to start with? Maybe for the next 3 years of your life, you cannot afford a half hour slot in the morning for your jog. Are you going to remain out of shape for that long?

Give yourself an empowering paradigm. You need to jog. So just go out any part of the day and start. Your day will automatically accommodate this activity in its schedule for you.

This way you can break through many of your restricting paradigms to enjoy your empowering paradigms and their powerful outcomes.

Anil Malathu
13-10-08
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Make a will

Believe it or not, a recent survey showed that as many as 80% of Indians do not leave any will and the worst sufferers are their spouses, especially females.

Many otherwise ‘savvy’ persons blithely say ‘Oh.. no will is needed.. After all, whatever we have is held jointly by self and spouse, and if I die s/he will inherit the whole property/bank accounts/fixed deposits/shares/ other stationary/ non stationary holdings”.

Legal tangles : Wake up! Such a presumption is absolutely incorrect. If your life partner dies without making will, then, although holding the treasures jointly., you becomes just a Trustee, till the judiciary authorities decide who the actual heirs are (including illegitimate children, if any) and the court proceedings may drag on for years. In the meantime, you cannot invest/dispose of the properties. It is bad enough if the dear departed has left self-earned property. But if his/her property is ancestral/ inherited, you have a Pandora’s box. This is the position in a nut shell, if one dies without making any will.

In many cases, the High Court appointed trustees will ask you to share the property equally with the children or if the children are minor hold it as a Trustee for them. Your share will be limited – one fifth if you have four children or one sixth if your spouse’s mother is also alive. You will have to work with a Court-appointed Trustee to ensure that you do not spirit away the wealth. Again the religion of the dead person matters a lot, for Hindu/ Muslim/ Christian/ other religion laws are different, when it comes to the ‘no will’ condition.

To quote only two cases, namely that of Hindu and Muslim law :

According to the law of inheritance and succession, if a Hindu passes away without a will, then of his/ her heirs (as certified by the Local Administrator-General’s office or the Collector of the district where the person died) the Hindu female shares equally with the male – i.e. a son and daughter will get equal shares. The wife as well as the mother get an equal share.

In the case of a Muslim, no single heir can get more than 1/3rd of the wealth left and 2/3rd of the property must be divided among the family members in shares as laid down in the Shariat Act, 1937. And Muslim Law give the male heirs, the sons, twice the share of the daughters.

Let us see, how the judicial system works, when on dies without leaving a will

The Administrator General’s office is the place for solving problems of people, who have been left with an inheritance but with no clear will and other inheritors to share it with.

Under the jurisdiction of the Indian Courts, the Administrator General and the office of official trustees of the district where the deceased lived, will look into matters related to properties which lack an official will. The administrator General’s Act, (1963) as amended in 1983, states that ‘if any person dies without willing his property then the property will be handed over to the official trustee, who will search for the right heir by bringing out advertisements and scrutinizing claimants, subsequently handing over the property to them”

No even with a will, the probating of the will is a huge task and it often runs into years, as the Court has to decide that, there are no other claimants to the properties. But with a will, at least you can begin the proceedings.

A Living Trust

Of late, a legal device known as Living Trust has been initiated, which obviates the need of a will and the necessity to probate the will. But, as all of us realize, the inheritance law is very complicated and in short, it is proper to die with a will, clearly showing, who would inherit the wealth you have so carefully built up.

Caution : Consult your lawyer before making any will. A will requires no stamp paper. Though no mandatory, it is advisable to make your will under the supervision/ guidance of a lawyer. It is certainly advisable to register your will at the sub-registrar’s office. You can register a will anywhere in India (except J&K), no matter where your property is located – all this a very nominal cost. You can revise your will any number of times. You final will is the one that is legally binding.

Heartbreak and trauma can be avoided if a will is made. And, don’t feel insecure or apprehensive about apportioning your property in your lifetime. Your will comes into effect only after your demise. (For NRIs, the Indian Embassy will attest the signatures of the maker of the will as well as the witnesses but not the veracity of the value of wealth, property or inheritance mentioned or the beneficiaries)

Anil Malathu
14-9-08
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Lessons of Life

1. Dare to dream : You need courage to keep dreaming. And specially when things are not going right, you find it difficult to dream. But, that is when dreams are most needed.

2. Define what you stand for : Success is important. However, it becomes everlasting only if it is built on a strong foundation of values. Define what you stand for and do not compromise with it for any reason.

3. Never lose your zest and curiosity : The zest and curiosity for learning is a great driver to be updated on knowledge. A child’s curiosity is insatiable as every new object is a thing of wonder and mystery. The same zest is needed to keep learning new things.

4. Build self-confidence : Self-confidence comes from a positive attitude even in adverse situations. To build self-confidence, assume responsibility for your mistakes and share credit with others.

5. Take care of yourself : Unless you take care of yourself there is no way you can take care of others.

6. Persevere : No matter what you decide to do, you must persevere. Keep at it and you will succeed, no matter how hopeless it seems at time.

7. Never let success go to your head : No matter what you achieve, remember that you owe your success to many factors and people. This will help you keep your modesty and humility and also help you to retain your sense of proportion and balance.

14-8-08
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

PARENTS ARE PRECIOUS

If you are lucky to have them still, PARENTS ARE PRECIOUS!!

Venkatesh Balasubramaniam (who works for IIT) describes how his gesture of booking an air ticket for his father, his maiden flight, brought forth a rush of emotions and made him (Venkatesh) realize that how much we all take for granted when it comes to our parents.

My parents left for our native place on Thursday and we went to the airport to see them off. In fact, my father had never traveled by air before, so I just took this opportunity to make him experience the same. In spite of
being asked to book tickets by train, I got them tickets on Jet Airways. The moment I handed over the tickets to him, he was surprised to see that I had booked them by air. The excitement was very apparent on his face,
waiting for the time of travel. Just like a school boy, he was preparing himself on that day and we all went to the airport, right from using the trolley for his luggage, the baggage check-in and asking for a window seat
and waiting restlessly for the security check-in to happen. He was thoroughly enjoying himself and I, too, was overcome with joy watching him experience all these things.

As they were about to go in for the security check-in, he walked up to me with tears in his eyes and thanked me. He became very emotional and it was not as if I had done something great but the fact that this meant a great
deal to him. When he said thanks, I told him there was no need to thank me. But later, thinking about the entire incident, I looked back at my life. As a child, how many dreams our parents have made come true. Without
understanding the financial situation, we ask for cricket bats, dresses, toys, outings, etc. Irrespective of their affordability, they have catered to all our needs. Did we ever think about the sacrifices they had to make
to accommodate many of our wishes? Did we ever say thanks for all that they have done for us? Same way, today when it comes to our children, we always think that we should put them in a good school. Regardless of the amount of donation, we will ensure that we will have to give the child the best, theme parks, toys, etc. But we tend to forget that our parents have sacrificed a lot for our sake to see us happy, so it is our responsibility
to ensure that their dreams are realized and what they failed to see when they were young. It is our responsibility to ensure that they experience all those and their life is complete.

Many times, when my parents had asked me some questions, I have actually answered back without patience. When my daughter asks me something, I have been very polite in answering. Now I realize how they would have felt at those moments. Let us realize that old age is a second childhood and just as we take care of our children, the same attention and same care needs to be given to our parents and elders. Rather than my dad saying thank you to me, I would want to say sorry for making him wait so long for this small dream. I do realize how much he has sacrificed for my sake and I will do my best to give the best possible attention to all their wishes.

Just because they are old does not mean that they will have to give up everything and keep sacrificing for their grandchildren also. They have wishes, too.

Take care of your parents. THEY ARE PRECIOUS.

(This was narrated by an IAF pilot at a Seminar recently on Human Relations)
Posted on 14-06-08

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Are you Imprisoned ?

Author Emmett Fox tells a story of a man who become a prisoner for some misdeed that angered the King of his particular country. He was arrested and shut up in a dungeon beneath the castle. A ferocious-looking jailer carrying a long key escorted the man down a dark stairway. The door of the cell was opened, and the man was thrust into a dark hole. The door shut with a bang, and there he was.

He lay in that dark dungeon for twenty years. Each day the jailer would come, the big door would be opened with a great creaking and groaning, a pitcher of water and a loaf of bread would be thrust into the cell and the door closed again.

After twenty years the prisoner decided that he could not stand it any longer. He wanted to die but he did not want to commit suicide, so he decided that the next day whey the jailer came he would attack him. The jailer would then kill him in self-defense, and thus his misery would end.

To prepare for the next day, he decided to examine the door carefully. When the prisoner went to the door, he caught the handle and turned it. To his amazement the door opened, and upon investigation he found that there was no lock and never had been. For those twenty years he had not been locked in… except in belief.

At any time during that period, he could have opened the door and been free. He thought it was locked, but it was not. He grouped along the corridor and felt his way upstairs. At the top of the stairs two soldiers were chatting, and they made no attempt to stop him. He crossed the great yard without attracting attention. The armed guard on the drawbridge at the great gate paid no attention to him, and he walked out a free man.

He went home untouched and lived happily ever after. He realized that he could have left at any time throughout those long years since his arrest if he had known enough, but he did not. He was a captive, not of stone and iron, but of false belief. He was not locked in, he only thought he was imprisoned.

It may be safe to say that we all are prisoners, to some extent, of own making. We may find ourselves imprisoned by anger, resentment, remorse, or the belief that there are no other options for us in our lives and jobs – that we are locked into doing what we are currently doing.

What kind of prison might you be living in that you would like to get out of? Remember, the prison is in our thoughts and the key to our release in the desire to be freed from limiting thoughts.

Let’s pledge to overselves : “Today I am reaching out and pushing the door open, and escaping from my own prison into a new day and new life.”

Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you have imagined.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
The
Precarious
Art of
Raising
Enduring
Nuances
That
Influence the
Next
Generation

PARENTING
It is not what you do for your children but what you have taught them to do for themselves that will make them successful human beings – Think about it…..

Perfect Parenting

Perfect Parenting is a process whereby parents, in all their human flaws and weaknesses, do their personal best to raise capable and responsible, happy children. Perfect parenting is based on action, knowledge, thoughtfulness and common sense. Just by labeling, one cannot be called perfect parents because success and mistakes are part of being parents.

One can become a more effective and attentive parent by instigating, responding, preventing, monitoring and mentoring in their day-to-day parenting activities. Lets try to understand these terms in more details..

Responding : This terms may seem obvious, but responding is not merely giving your child attention. It actually says that one should respond in an appropriate way without reacting.

Many parents react to their children, that is, they answer with the first word, feeling, or action that comes to mind. It’s a normal thing to do, especially with all the other things people do every day. When you react, you are not making a decision about what outcome you want from an event or action. Even more than that, if you react, you cannot choose the best way to reach the outcome you want.

Responding to your child means that you take a moment to think about what is really going on before you speak, feel or act. Responding is much harder that reacting because it takes more time and effort. The time that you take between looking at the event and acting, speaking or feeling is vital to your relationship with your child. It is also said that one should respond in an appropriate manner because it allows you to :

Think about all the options before making a decision.
Answer some basic question
Be a more consistent parent
Build a solid but flexible bond of trust between you and your child.

Preventing

Preventing is not just saying ‘No’ or ‘Stop’, but it is to go beyond that. Parents should try to spot a problem in their child before they turn into full-blown crises, and for that they have to :

Be actively involved in their child’s life.
Set realistic limits and enforce them consistently.
Create healthy ways for your child to express emotions.

Monitoring
It means that you should pay careful attention to your child and his or her surrounding, especially his or her groups of friends and peers. It is easy for parents to monitor their child when they are young, but things may change as your child gets older. As kids begin to learn about their own personalities, they sometimes clash with their parents’ personalities. A parent’s ability to actively monitor is often on of the first things to suffer from this clash. Parents need to monitor their children’s comings and goings through every age and stage of growth, and while monitoring, one should keep in mind the following things :

- Open the lines of communication when your child is young and keep those lines open.
- Tell your child what thoughts and ideals you value and why.
- Know what your child is watching, reading, playing or listening to.
- Know the people your child spends time with. Give direction without being rigid.

Mentoring

It means that you actively help your child learn more about himself or herself, how the world works, and his or here role in that world. As a mentor, you should support your child as he or she learns, and encourage him or her to keep trying because those successes are right around the corner. To become a mentor, you should spend time with your child. The important part is that you do things together, which includes communicating with one another. To be a mentor, one should :

- Be honest about your own strengths and weaknesses.
- Respect your child’s thoughts and opinions without judging them.
- Support your child’s interests and strengths.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Interesting Yawning Facts :

The average yawn last about six seconds.
Your heat rate can rise as much as 30% during a yawn.
55% of people will yawn within five minutes of seeing someone else yawn.
Blind people yawn more after hearing an audio tape of people yawning.
Reading about yawning will make you yawn.
Olympic athletes often yawn before competition.

**************************************************************************************************************************************************************************
A yawn is a silent shout.....

Everybody yawns – from unborn babies to the oldest great-grandparent. Animals do it, too. But why, exactly, do people and animals yawn? No one knows for sure. But there are many theories about why people yawn.

One is that when we are bored or tired, we just don’t breathe as deeply as we usually do. As this theory goes, our bodies take in less oxygen because our breathing has slowed. Therefore, yawning helps us bring more oxygen into the blood and move more carbon dioxide out of the blood.

Yawning, then, would be an involuntary reflex (something we really can’t really control) to help us control our oxygen and carbon dioxide levels. Sounds good, but other studies have shown that breathing more oxygen does not decrease yawning. Likewise, breathing more carbon dioxide does not increase yawning. Hmmm.. now what ?

Another theory is that yawning stretches the lungs and lung tissue. Stretching and yawning may be a way to flex muscles and joints, increase heart rate, and feel more awake.

Other people believe that yawning is a protective reflex to redistribute the oil-like substance called surfactant that helps keep lungs lubricated inside and keeps them from collapsing. So, if we didn’t yawn, according to this theory, taking a deep breath would become harder and harder – and that would not be good !

But there is one idea about yawning that everyone Knowles to be true. It seems contagious. If you yawn in a group, you will probably notice a few other people will start yawning, too. Even thinking about yawning can get you yawning. How many times have you yawned while reading this.. ? I hope at least once!

Try this : Next time you’re in a meeting, try this little experiment :

Take a big yawn, cover your mount out of courtesy, and watch and see how many people yawn. There’s a good chance that you’ll set off a chain reaction of yawns. Before you finish reading this, it is likely that you will yawn at least once. Don’t misunderstand, we aren’t intending to bore you, but just reading about yawning will make you yawn, just as seeing or hearing someone else yawn make us yawn.

What is behind this mysterious epidemic of yawning ? First, let’s look at what a yawn is. Yawning is an involuntary action that cases us to pen our mouths wide and breath in deeply. We know it’s involuntary because we do it even before we are born. Research shows that 11 week old fetuses yawn.

There are many parts of the body that are in action when you yawn. First, your mouth opens and jaw drops, allowing as much air to be taken in as possible. When you inhale, the air taken in is filling your lungs. Your abdominal muscles flex and your diaphragm is pushed down. The air you breath in expands the lungs to capacity and then some of the air is blown back out.

While the dictionary tells us that yawning is caused by being fatigued, drowsy or bored, scientists are discovering that there is more to yawning that what most people think. Not much is known about why we yawn or if it serves any useful function, and very little research has been done on the subject. The simple truth is that even though humans have been yawning for possibly as long as they have existed, we have no clue as to why we do it. May be it serves some healthful purpose. It does cause us to draw in more air and our hearts to race faster than normal, but so does exercise. There’s still much we don’t understand about our own brains, so may be yawning is triggered by some area of the brain we have yet to discover. We do know that yawning is not limited to man. Cats, dogs, even fish yawn, which leads us back to the idea that yawning is some form of communication.

Have we provoked a yawn out of you yet? If we have, hopefully it’s not out of boredom, but by the power of suggestion
*************************************************************************************************************************************************************************
In a pause, we simply discontinue whatever we are doing. We become wholly present, attentive and, often, physically still. Try it now : Stop reading and sit there, doing ‘nothing’ and simply notice what you experience.

(To be a good listener, you should be mentally silent. Well, take a closer look at the word ‘LISTEN’. Don’t you find ‘SILENT’ in it!)

Ssh…. Pause a while.

A pause is a suspension of activity, a temporary disengagement when we no longer more toward any goal. It can occur during almost any activity and last for an instant, for hours, or for seasons of life. We may pause from our responsibilities by sitting down to mediate. We may pause during meditation to let go of thoughts and reawaken our attention to the breath. We may pause by stepping out of daily life for a retreat, to spend time in nature, or to take a sabbatical. We may pause in conversation, letting go of what we are about to say to genuinely listen to and be with the other person. We may pause when we are suddenly delighted or saddened, allowing the feelings to play through our hearts.


SILENCE PLEASE

There’s noise all around. The mass media, noisiness of the city streets and ringing mobile phones, endless talk shows, the use of the Internet and e-mail…. There seems to be little space for a peaceful life and rest in complete silence.

Silence is the magic comforter, yet, it has become a precious ‘commodity’, difficult to afford. Paradoxically though, the desire to relax to ‘the sounds of silence’ is contrasted by the fact that at the same time silence is feared, considered as something negative and undesirable since it impedes communication and distorts the message being conveyed.

The questions arise then that if it is only unwanted, meaningless nothing and if it is so invaluable, why are people so afraid of it? Does silence contribute to the conversation or does it only bring about communication failures?

(Silence is an indispensable component of human communication without which the proper decoding of the information would be impossible)

How to overcome Stress

The age we live in an age of stress and tension. Tension has invaded the quiet sanctuary of the soul. Modern life is an unbalanced existence with people running and hurrying and getting nowhere. People are afflicted with stress related diseases such as migraine, insomnia, cardiac disorders etc.. We must change. Here are some practical suggestions to overcome stress.

1. Have a Correct Attitude : Attitude is a powerful force in the life of an individual. Different people placed in the same situation react differently. It was important to have a constructive, positive and friendly attitude.

2. Never anticipate trouble : Never anticipate trouble nor worry about things that may never happen. Do not think negative thoughts or say negative words.

3. Organise your life in ‘Day tight Compartments’ : Wherever we are confronted with a difficult task, we see it in its entirety and complexity. This causes stress. We should focus on work that we need to do in the next 24 hours. Do not think of the past or future but live in the present. Organise time in 24 hours, 12 hours or 6 hours compartments.

4. Cultivate childlike faith in God :Turnover your life in childlike trust to God and live life like a child – carefree, without burdens, fear or worry.

5. Do not hold any grudge in your heart against anyone : Forget before forgiveness is asked. Forgiveness must be complete.

6. Laughter is an all round tonic :To overcome stress, we must laugh and smile. Laughter is an all round tonic – physical, mental and spiritual. Laugh with others and not at others.

7. Practice a period of silence : Sit in silence for some time during the day – pray or meditate. Some personal quiet time is needed.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Small tips for fun in relationships :

- Smile at each other when you first wake up.
- Laugh together at the funny things you see and experience on a daily basis.
- Dance together in the living room.
- Read to each other before you go to sleep at night.
- Cuddle up together on the couch when you watch TV.
- Share at least one bit of humor each day.
- Make a special time each day to laugh and talk – just the two of you.
- Develop lots of different, playful ways to say I love you. You can use different accents or languages.

Couple who laugh together last together !

Laughter :

- Keeps relationships Healthy.
- Resolves Conflict.
- Enhances Communication.
- Supports Love.
- Keeps a Relationship Fun.
- Creates Intimacy.
Try a friendly smile today and see what happens..!

Life is a Laugh Riot !

We need to laugh more. Laughter is the human gift for coping and for survival. Laughter ringing, laughter pealing, laughter roaring, laughter bubbling. Chuckling. Giggling. Snickering. Snorting. These are the sounds of soul saving laughter which springs from our emotional core and helps us feel better, see things more clearly and creatively weigh and use our options.

Laughter in a relationship is a treasure. It is one of our primary reasons for even wanting a partner. All of us can feel the magic power of laughter after we have a good belly laugh. Each time we laugh we feel better, our step becomes a little jauntier, and we feel closer to the person to the person with whom we laughed. The world seems brighter and friendlier and we are able to approach things more positively.

Everyone involved in a relationship cherishes the positive feeling laughter provides. We all want to stay immersed in the love and laughter that brings us together.

We need to laugh more...............................................................